we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
