Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
