I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
