well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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