The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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