Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
