took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
