Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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