Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
