Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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