i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just crazy horny about you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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