she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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