walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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