i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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