I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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