She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
