you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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