Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
