Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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