walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize