I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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