im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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