im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize