Where did you get a picture of my penis
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
