I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize