Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize