Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
