I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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