Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
