my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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