I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
