she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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