She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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