In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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