so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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