glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
