I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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