were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You smell like stripper and shame
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
