The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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