I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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