My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
