dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
