Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
