You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
