The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
