is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What a dumb baby whore.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
