Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
