you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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