Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
