Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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