puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
