My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
