I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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