Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
