I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
