you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
