Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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