Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Every concussion has its silver lining
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
