just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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