i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
