oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
