Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
