Your dad touched me again.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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