I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
