OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
