I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
