Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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