He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
