It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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