Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize