You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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