my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
